Sleepless nights
one after another
pile up next to my bed
like sheets of blank paper
full of nothing but empty space
I know exactly how many
revolutions the ceiling fan
makes in one minute
five minutes
one hour
Countless dreams I am missing
they are waiting for me
on the other side of consciousness
I can't get there from here
the path is blocked by tangles
of thoughts I can't quite grasp
yet can't let go of
I am trying to hide something
from myself or find something
I am not sure what it is
I can't see it through
sleep deprived red-rimmed eyes
Where are my angels?
my demons taunt me in the darkness
they whisper to me and I believe
their lies
with what armor do I protect myself?
with what weapons do I battle?
I am too weary to form a plan
My head rests on a pillow of
uncertainty , doubt
fear and longing
If I put out my hand and you are
not there is that a dream
or a nightmare? Are you real
and it is me that is imagined?
what tricks does my mind
play on me?
Glowing red numbers mock me
If I don't look them will the time
pass more quickly or is that just
another illusion in my delusion?
If I could pay for sleep the way
some pay for sex
what is the currency
what would the price be
to sleep, perchance to dream?
8/29/2006
8/23/2006
This guy I used to know
I used to know this guy, he was one of those "intellectual" types, the kind that analyzes everything, from every imaginable angle. And yet, once in a while I could surprise him and come up with a way of looking at something that he actually hadn't thought of. We challenged each other (okay maybe he did more challenging, he liked that you know, making me think) we drove each other to think, feel, listen and really hear each other. We didn't always see eye to eye but we could usually acknowledge the others point of view or sometimes we would agree to disagree, or I would just get mad and shut up and let him think whatever he wanted, secretly to myself thinking "he is so wrong".
He used to throw intellectually thought out, statistically correct facts and figures at me and I would just want to scream. I am an emotional thinker, I don't always know the "facts and figures" I know how I feel about something. I used to argue that in those instances I get to have an emotional response because that is what is available, comfortable to me. He used to make my blood boil and my head on the verge of exploding, often and I probably elicited the same reaction in him sometimes.
It wasn't always confrontational, sometimes we would laugh our heads off about stupid things, usually having its genesis in something dorky I had done or said. I embrace my inner dork and tried to get him to do the same, although I don't think he was ever very comfortable with that.
He liked to be the smartest guy at the table and let everyone know it. I don't say that as an insult, it was a fact, he usually was the smartest guy at the table. I tried to get him to open up and see other possibilities, he tried to make me see that I had a "global" responsibility to not only understand the world at large but to participate in it intellectually. We used to argue, faces red (okay mine). But when it came right down to it, we were communicating, we were honest, open and opinionated.
We trusted each other with things we didn't trust just anybody with. We shared something special. We saw in each other something maybe not everyone saw, maybe because we didn't let them or maybe because they didn't look as hard. We loved Buffy (until Willow turned lesbo-ha) we talked about movies and books, religion, politics, loved ones,respect, our employers (a common and often frustrating topic) there were very few topics that were off limits for our discussions. He made me feel smart, appreciated, and worthy of the respect he gave me, and I in turn respected him.
I witnessed a miracle in him that will stay with me always and erased forever any qualms or shadows of doubt I could ever have about the existence of God. I left our place of mutual existence a long time ago, under duress and stress and since then we seem to have evaporated from each others lives, it seems weird to me that someone I had such a connection with (perhaps it was strictly within the confines of that building) could just disappear from my radar. I admit, I never wrote, I never called. At first it was too hard and I was too raw and then it just seemed like it had been too long and perhaps he had moved on, and what if we didn't have anything to say to each other anymore, though I find that highly doubtful. He was my friend and I liked him. And when all else failed we could always blame the aliens, clearly the theory of choice to explain most unexplainable phenomenon.
I wonder what ever happened to that guy.
He used to throw intellectually thought out, statistically correct facts and figures at me and I would just want to scream. I am an emotional thinker, I don't always know the "facts and figures" I know how I feel about something. I used to argue that in those instances I get to have an emotional response because that is what is available, comfortable to me. He used to make my blood boil and my head on the verge of exploding, often and I probably elicited the same reaction in him sometimes.
It wasn't always confrontational, sometimes we would laugh our heads off about stupid things, usually having its genesis in something dorky I had done or said. I embrace my inner dork and tried to get him to do the same, although I don't think he was ever very comfortable with that.
He liked to be the smartest guy at the table and let everyone know it. I don't say that as an insult, it was a fact, he usually was the smartest guy at the table. I tried to get him to open up and see other possibilities, he tried to make me see that I had a "global" responsibility to not only understand the world at large but to participate in it intellectually. We used to argue, faces red (okay mine). But when it came right down to it, we were communicating, we were honest, open and opinionated.
We trusted each other with things we didn't trust just anybody with. We shared something special. We saw in each other something maybe not everyone saw, maybe because we didn't let them or maybe because they didn't look as hard. We loved Buffy (until Willow turned lesbo-ha) we talked about movies and books, religion, politics, loved ones,respect, our employers (a common and often frustrating topic) there were very few topics that were off limits for our discussions. He made me feel smart, appreciated, and worthy of the respect he gave me, and I in turn respected him.
I witnessed a miracle in him that will stay with me always and erased forever any qualms or shadows of doubt I could ever have about the existence of God. I left our place of mutual existence a long time ago, under duress and stress and since then we seem to have evaporated from each others lives, it seems weird to me that someone I had such a connection with (perhaps it was strictly within the confines of that building) could just disappear from my radar. I admit, I never wrote, I never called. At first it was too hard and I was too raw and then it just seemed like it had been too long and perhaps he had moved on, and what if we didn't have anything to say to each other anymore, though I find that highly doubtful. He was my friend and I liked him. And when all else failed we could always blame the aliens, clearly the theory of choice to explain most unexplainable phenomenon.
I wonder what ever happened to that guy.
8/11/2006
Sweet Feet
I need help with dream interpretation. I understand that in your dreams things that are fantastical and ridiculous can seem sane and make sense. I have at various times dreamt that I was a man, ridden a dolphin like a horse, discovered hidden passages under my house, been given insight into the afterlife, had conversations with people from "the other side", and many other events I realize probably have a genesis in my waking life. Working through fears, stress, things that need addessing but I avoid, I understand this aspect of dreaming, our subconscience at work helping us find solutions or making us look at things from a diffferent angle.or bringing up things we have seen that we have forgotten and maybe need to remember. But this one has be baffled. The fact that I can't remember what came before or after doesn't help.
This is what I remember: Getting ready to leave my house, I don't remember who I was with or where we were going but preparing to leave we went to the entry way to put on our shoes and we were wearing sugar cookies for shoes ( I am not making this up). They were definatley sugar cookies, as big as a plate, nicely browned with crackles around the edges and sugar sprinkled on top. I remember that my hubby was getting upset with me because I was shaking off the extra sugar before I put them on my feet and I was getting sugar all over the entryway and that just meant that he would have to re-sugar them later. I don't remember straps or ties, I think they just stuck on, perhaps the sugar mixed with foot sweat made glue that made them stick - I don't know.
Like I say I don't remember anything that came before or after. Anyone have any ideas what wearing sugar cookies shoes might mean? And no I didn't eat massive amount of sugar or chili cheese burriotos or anchovy pizza or anything else that might be the cause of such bizarre dream.
This is what I remember: Getting ready to leave my house, I don't remember who I was with or where we were going but preparing to leave we went to the entry way to put on our shoes and we were wearing sugar cookies for shoes ( I am not making this up). They were definatley sugar cookies, as big as a plate, nicely browned with crackles around the edges and sugar sprinkled on top. I remember that my hubby was getting upset with me because I was shaking off the extra sugar before I put them on my feet and I was getting sugar all over the entryway and that just meant that he would have to re-sugar them later. I don't remember straps or ties, I think they just stuck on, perhaps the sugar mixed with foot sweat made glue that made them stick - I don't know.
Like I say I don't remember anything that came before or after. Anyone have any ideas what wearing sugar cookies shoes might mean? And no I didn't eat massive amount of sugar or chili cheese burriotos or anchovy pizza or anything else that might be the cause of such bizarre dream.
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