I've been away, inside my head, I tried to make peace with the things I said
I let it all out, I meant every word but I know what part is the part you heard
NOT happy, not HAPPY, NOT HAPPY
It didn't matter that I didn't mean you, that's the only part that got through
You tried to hide it and brush it away but I saw what you didn't want to say
You're hurt that you can't make it just go away, the darkness that is here today
It's not your fault my demons are back, its when I am alone they like to attack
Fear, longing, doubt, sadness, guilt take your pick, it's quite a tower I've built
You'll reach out, touch my face and for one pure moment I know I have a place
When the blackness recedes it is devine, I go on pretending that I am fine
Then the gates come down and the darkness descends, I wonder, will it end?
I know you don't get it and that's really okay, just don't let go, at least not today
11/30/2004
11/16/2004
The card
Cleaning out my desk I found a card I had made a friend of mine when her son was born with a poem I wrote.
I thought it was nice
I decided to share
ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS
In all the world you'll find no greater joy
Than holding your sweet little baby boy
Hold him often and hug him tight
They grow so fast, as if overnight
You'll turn around, blink and stare
And a little boy will be standing there
While little boys are precious too
There is a certain magic only babies can do
A cry in the night means his lungs are strong
He's hot or cold or his diaper's on wrong
Remember, he doesn't cry to make you mad
Something in his little world has made him sad
So cuddle him up with a loving touch
It is impossible to do this too much
It is an old fashioned notion, but I think it's true
This is one of the greatest things you'll ever do
I thought it was nice
I decided to share
ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS
In all the world you'll find no greater joy
Than holding your sweet little baby boy
Hold him often and hug him tight
They grow so fast, as if overnight
You'll turn around, blink and stare
And a little boy will be standing there
While little boys are precious too
There is a certain magic only babies can do
A cry in the night means his lungs are strong
He's hot or cold or his diaper's on wrong
Remember, he doesn't cry to make you mad
Something in his little world has made him sad
So cuddle him up with a loving touch
It is impossible to do this too much
It is an old fashioned notion, but I think it's true
This is one of the greatest things you'll ever do
11/05/2004
My Motto
I have a penchant for the silly. I don't strive to be silly. I think it is just the most natural state of my being. I entertain myself when there is no one else to do it. I sing silly songs. I make up stories and act them out. I have been on many talk shows promoting my new book. I have written hilarious and moving episodes of my favorite TV shows, guest starring me of course.
I once spent three hours in my bathroom recording a stupid song of my own creation (the acoustics are better in the biffy) which I played over and over again and marveled at my talent. No one else has ever or will ever hear this recording, I'd hate to overwhelm them with my creative genius. I am never, ever bored. I have reached the age now where I like to think of myself as eccentric instead of just weird. I have heard hundreds of times in my life "you are weird" like they think I would take that as an insult.
I have spent many hours at work (when I worked) talking to myself, the furniture, the computer or fellow co-workers in an English, Southern, Irish or Russian accent. I used to say "I am not having an identity crisis, just a nationality crisis". My favorite "character" was Guido Chang, an accent somewhat Asian by way of Italy. Much to my delight this drove my closest cohort nuts ("You're not starting that again are you?" was commonly heard). I did it to amuse myself the fact that it drove her crazy was just a wonderful bonus.
I need a creative outlet. Sometimes it is writing, sometimes it is singing or dancing or photography or just deciding that today I shall be a Persian princess and you shall treat me as such. I had a sign taped to my wall at work that announced "I am princess high and might big shot told you so boss of the world" and in my world I am. Sometimes people are uncomfortable in my world, they don't quite know where they should sit. I say pull up a piece of floor and lets talk Pig Latin. My friend Jess and I used to play a game where you had to speak with out using the letter "d". Very challenging and fun, you ought to try it sometime.
Thankfully, I have passed this gift on to my son who once spent an entire plane ride from Florida entertaining himself with three carrots. Give him a stick and two rocks and he is good to go. If all else fails he will use his fingers as his playmates and act out elaborate stories with good guys and bad guys and dragons and flying machines with rocket boosters, all with nothing more than his ten digits. This my friends is talent. I must admit this can also cause lack of focus at school because if he is bored, he wanders in to his imagination and plays. When one is trying to stop your crayons from taking over your pencil box, attention is diverted from the teacher. What he lacks in "discipline" he more than makes up for in imagination.
I try not to let tightly wound people derail my fun train. I used to worry that people would think I was just a big ditz. Then I realized I didn't really care. If someone takes the time to get to know me they would find out that I am one smart cookie, if they didn't get to know me then why should I care what they think of me? I realized a long time ago that nobody was going to make my life or work fun except me. I would much rather have fun and be silly than be serious all the time so people would know I was a serious minded, intelligent human. Red Skelton once said "Life is too short to be taken seriously" and Einstein said "Imagination is more important than knowledge" Amen brothers!
My motto: "I can be as mature as the situation warrants"
If in the mean time I get to do a silly dance, all the better for me.
I once spent three hours in my bathroom recording a stupid song of my own creation (the acoustics are better in the biffy) which I played over and over again and marveled at my talent. No one else has ever or will ever hear this recording, I'd hate to overwhelm them with my creative genius. I am never, ever bored. I have reached the age now where I like to think of myself as eccentric instead of just weird. I have heard hundreds of times in my life "you are weird" like they think I would take that as an insult.
I have spent many hours at work (when I worked) talking to myself, the furniture, the computer or fellow co-workers in an English, Southern, Irish or Russian accent. I used to say "I am not having an identity crisis, just a nationality crisis". My favorite "character" was Guido Chang, an accent somewhat Asian by way of Italy. Much to my delight this drove my closest cohort nuts ("You're not starting that again are you?" was commonly heard). I did it to amuse myself the fact that it drove her crazy was just a wonderful bonus.
I need a creative outlet. Sometimes it is writing, sometimes it is singing or dancing or photography or just deciding that today I shall be a Persian princess and you shall treat me as such. I had a sign taped to my wall at work that announced "I am princess high and might big shot told you so boss of the world" and in my world I am. Sometimes people are uncomfortable in my world, they don't quite know where they should sit. I say pull up a piece of floor and lets talk Pig Latin. My friend Jess and I used to play a game where you had to speak with out using the letter "d". Very challenging and fun, you ought to try it sometime.
Thankfully, I have passed this gift on to my son who once spent an entire plane ride from Florida entertaining himself with three carrots. Give him a stick and two rocks and he is good to go. If all else fails he will use his fingers as his playmates and act out elaborate stories with good guys and bad guys and dragons and flying machines with rocket boosters, all with nothing more than his ten digits. This my friends is talent. I must admit this can also cause lack of focus at school because if he is bored, he wanders in to his imagination and plays. When one is trying to stop your crayons from taking over your pencil box, attention is diverted from the teacher. What he lacks in "discipline" he more than makes up for in imagination.
I try not to let tightly wound people derail my fun train. I used to worry that people would think I was just a big ditz. Then I realized I didn't really care. If someone takes the time to get to know me they would find out that I am one smart cookie, if they didn't get to know me then why should I care what they think of me? I realized a long time ago that nobody was going to make my life or work fun except me. I would much rather have fun and be silly than be serious all the time so people would know I was a serious minded, intelligent human. Red Skelton once said "Life is too short to be taken seriously" and Einstein said "Imagination is more important than knowledge" Amen brothers!
My motto: "I can be as mature as the situation warrants"
If in the mean time I get to do a silly dance, all the better for me.
11/04/2004
Dear.............
I didn't want to play it this way, it shouldn't be like this. Your silence is deafening. I keep falling in the empty space you left behind. The wall that I keep running into has your picture on it. I keep tripping over the pieces of me that break off with every new disappointment and hurt. I am getting smaller because of you. I am becoming transparent because you can't see me anymore. You shut me out. Closed the door, turned off the lights and pulled the shades. Why? Oh wait the window is opening again, just a little, not all the way just enough to let a little fresh air and light in. I get a small piece back, Oh wait, I was wrong! The window slammed shut, piece lost again. I wanted to believe you wouldn't just discard me, yesterdays news, out of sight out of mind. We had a "thing" I know it was real, I didn't imagine it. It took years to build. My cold hands on you, comforted by the warmth between us, safe and unthreatening. Your smile lit me up even as you told me fabulous lies.I thought it was solid, it disappeared with the exhaled breath of unspoken words, nothing but shadows after all. You inspired me, made me work, think, see. You shared with me, then cut me off, then a note under the door, in the back, but still there, then gone again. What happened? When did I become nothing to you ?
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