Us

In the early morning light
I watch him sleeping

I remember the sweet smile I got
before

I remember the laughter I heard
before

I remember the tender touches
before

I remember the butterfly kisses
before

I remember the heat of passion
before

Then

I remember

The flashing eyes
The cruel words
The daggers of hate
The cold silence

I think

What happened to us?
When did we stop being those people
That couldn't pass each other without
a touch, a kiss?

I worry that "we" have evaporated
and all that is left is this
empty husk
of the "used to be us"

A tear escapes
trails down my cheek
drops on to my empty hand

I reach out
touch his shoulder
he stirs
turns
smiles

Opens his arms for me
to rest my head
on his chest

I feel his steady heartbeat
hear his breathing

I worry too much
about......everything

He is mine for always
and I am his

And this is the way it will
always be

Safe in his grasp
the rest disappears
and I know

We are still us
damaged
hurt sometimes

But not
ever
broken

Where am I?

I wonder sometimes where I am

not physically, not in terms of my life goals

in terms of who I used to be

who I thought I was

who I thought I would or should be

Where did I go?

Who is this person living my life?

I feel like an imposter in my own life

I've got them all fooled

I am not anything like they think I am

I am a completely different person

than the one I wear on the outside

this suit of life does not always fit me

I want to break free

I want out of this fake life

I want to start living real

I don't really know what that means

Paranoia and motherhood

I know that sometimes I am a terrific mother and sometimes I am the devil and he my devil-spawn, the things that come out of my mouth sound like they could not possibly come from me and yet they do. They spew forth like an eruption I can neither stop nor control once it has begun. It scares him sometimes, it scares me, that this sweet child could elicit such anger from me sometimes for just being a willful child, like they all are sometimes. And then in the quiet moments we share our thoughts feelings, fears, we talk about everything and I am still his very best friend, he, being 11 now I know that this will not last much longer. I cherish these moments of closeness.

He does not have moments like this with his dad. His dad is the best father I could imagine but he is not a big emotional talker. They will not talk about feelings and dreams and the scary world of discovering that you "like like" a certain girl. They will wrestle and laugh and joke and talk about tv and movies, books, schoolwork, math, dinosaurs and soccer, "surface" stuff. I get the "inside". I wonder sometimes if we are too much alike and that is why we clash. I wonder sometimes if I push too hard to make him the person I want him to be instead of letting the person he already is unfold on its own. I worry constantly that I have scarred him for life. Then I see his silly smile or he makes a stupid joke or dances to his own music and sings his own songs, I think, this is a happy child perhaps I have not failed him.....yet. This is what I think sometimes that I just have not failed him yet, but I will someday.

We talk about what he wants out of life. We talk about his perception of himself (not the word he uses). He tells me that he is "different" from other people. That his brain doesn't work the same as other peoples. He thinks he is "weird" and relishes that fact. He has long hair when all his classmates have close cropped hair. He wears horribly clashing colors because it makes him laugh and feel good inside.

I told him once that dancing to the beat of a different drummer is an amazing thing, the people that hear their own music and move to a different set of ideas are the ones that change the world, but it isn't easy, it won't be easy to the one who is different. And he should never compromise who he is and what he believes because someone or a group of someones don't get it. He may be "misunderstood". He thought that was just fine because his true friends would always accept him for who he was and while they might not agree with him they would respect him (pretty smart for an 11 yr old huh?)


I try not to judge him for his ideas, but sometimes I do and that makes me sad, why can't I just keep my mouth shut, let him be who he is? He is an amazing little person and I have to remember that he is his own person and no longer someone I can "mold", I can steer in the right direction sometimes or introduce him to things I think he "should" know or do or be. Maybe it is my own insecurities I am trying to guard him against.


He told me that he wants to be the boy that the bullys pick on because he can defend himself, verbally. He says "you know what they do mom? they pick on the kids that can't stand up for themselves, I wish they would pick on me cuz I can stand up for myself" he has gotten in trouble at school for standing up for someone else, coming to their aid against a bully and he got an in school suspension for it. What does that teach him? I was so proud of him and yet had to remind him that the school has a "no tolerance" policy and while he did the wrong thing, he did it for all the right reasons, and what did he say? "I'd do it again mom, sorry if I got suspended, but I would do it again" How can I argue with that?

On this approaching Mother's day I wonder what I am worthy of, to receive from my most precious charge, what have I done right? What have I done wrong? If left to his own devices, without dad's input, how would he "honor"me?

Hello Out There!!!

OMG, I have spent months trying to get back into my blogger account and kept going round and round, I couldn't get the email reset, I couldn't get my password reset, I just kept getting looped back to login and getting nowhere. But anyway, I was showing a friend of mine how to blog and I tried again and followed the steps to reset password, etc, and lo and behold I AM IN!!!

So I have a couple of years of empty cyber-space to make up for. Lots of things big and small, important and trivial to talk about, I hope I haven't forgotten how. So we will see how it goes. But in the mean time, it sure feels good to be able to be here again.

Jojo