It has been made clear to me that the reality in which I thought I lived was an illusion. The things I thought were truths have been exposed as lies. The things I believed in have turned to water and slipped through my fingers. I have tried to maintain a sense of pride and honor and have found that the cost is far greater than anticipated.
I almost gave up. I almost threw in the towel. I was ready to concede defeat before that battle even started as I can not fight a foe that will not face me. I can not make peace with the "enemy" when they will not meet on neutral ground. When they will not acknowledge that I exist anymore. When they have turned their back on me without a word. People I thought were my friends have been shown to be otherwise. Personal relationships deemed "none of their business" How, I ask, can a personal relationship be none of their business?. The door was shut in my face one too many times this week and I didn't think I had it in me to continue. I don't mean in my life as a whole. I mean here, in this place that I have always sought solace and encouragement.
I had a post a few days ago, maybe some of you read it, it was up only a short time before I removed it. It was my farewell. It was my swan song as I had decided I could not continue with out the encouragement and friendship of my inspiration. Then I realized I was stronger than that. I was a better person than that. It took a lot out of me to admit the hurt and anguish and more even to admit I could stand up and say I will be counted if not by you, then maybe by others and certainly by me.
I hope others still find me here. If they don't I realize that's okay. I will find me here, as I always have. In these words and stories I will find myself, explore myself and push myself to reveal things that are hard, painful, funny, stupid, touching....whatever. I will trust that this is indeed my place, where I will stake my claim on my life. I hope others come along for the ride as I have enjoyed riding the comment train will continue to do so.
Jojo is back and ready to rumble.
4 comments:
I for one enjoy reading your blog..thank you for continuing to share with us
I am SO glad you are back, JoJo. Your writings are inspirational. To have given up and given in would have made you the loser...and you are not the loser by any means. You have so much to give. I look forward to reading your prose. Thank you for returning. We are blessed to have you back.
Welcome back Jojo. "I fought the good fight. I finished the race. I kept the faith." -Timothy. I can't pretend to know all that you are going through right now but hopefully soon your pain will be a dull memory for you. I wrote my "Missing...." post last July if I remember right after finally getting there. Please sing the theme song from "Welcome back Kotter" as you read this. Stay beautiful. (empthasis on both words.)
...go monkey go!
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